Testimonial: Recovery is Real

Rob with his sister, Annie.

This testimonial is written by Rob, a former guest of Gould Farm and Fellside.

“I think you would make a great peer specialist; you’re a natural,” Pauline Banducci said to me in Orchard House in a vocational meeting. 

Pauline was the Transition Counselor at the time I was preparing to leave the Farm and was thinking about next steps, although I felt totally at a loss. Work had always been a mysterious piece of the puzzle for me. Gould had helped give me more faith in my abilities than ever before, but I was wondering if I could bring that newfound sense of agency into the world at large.

I arrived at the Farm after a tumultuous and destabilizing psychotic episode, something which had become all too common in my life ever since being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at age 15. I lacked self-agency and didn’t know how to chart my own course in life. Although I didn’t know it when I arrived, Gould Farm would change that for me.

Over the course of my stay, the routine of the work program had slowly but surely instilled in me a work ethic, the satisfaction of overcoming challenges in work, and the ability to take a leadership position. The faith and trust the work team leaders put in my abilities helped nurture me to a point where, much to my surprise, work was for the first time in my life enjoyable. And as I would fully come to understand later as a peer specialist, work gave my life purpose. 

At the crux of my mental illness was a lack of purpose. Aimlessness in life would lead me to substance abuse, or not caring if I took my medication, both of which would frequently drive me into episodes that would destabilize my life and progress up to that point. The work program, the loving atmosphere, the destigmatising aura of the Farm, as well as just the antics, humor, and joy that was a constant, moved my compass needle towards purpose, towards wellness, and towards self-love.

So upon leaving the Farm, I took Pauline’s advice and started volunteering at the Boston Resource Center, a peer-run mental health center, on the Boston Medical Center campus. Recovery, though, is often not a straight and narrow road. I experienced difficulties with substance abuse and another psychotic episode. On my own volition, I went back to the Farm another time. This time, I was keen to really follow through, which meant taking the advice of my therapist and attending the Boston Fellside Program upon leaving. 

At Fellside, I re-engaged with the Boston Resource Center (BRC) and eventually was offered a position working at their Peer Support Line (PSL), a phone line where anyone in the country could call in and receive empathetic support for issues they were going through. It was intimidating working there at first; I wasn’t sure I had the ability to offer good support to peers. But I steadily put one foot in front of the other, and soon began taking great pride and joy out of making a difference in someone’s day and recovery.

After a couple of months of working at the PSL, I was offered another position at the Boston Resource Center, facilitating different kinds of mental health and peer support groups on the psychiatric units of Boston Medical Center. Early on, my supervisor, Yuka Gordon, talked to me about how ideally peer support should be mutually beneficial for both the person receiving the support and the peer giving the support. And through experience, I found this to be true: at the heart of service, when I give support, I also receive support back in turn.

The greatest example of this being since starting my work there 5 years ago, I have not had a psychotic episode. Including my time at the Farm, a total of 7 years, which is the longest I have gone without an episode since my first episode when I was 15. Working at the PSL and the BRC is my greatest joy in life now, as I continue to grow along with the community that I serve. 

Time and time again, I have the privilege of watching someone’s life and recovery bloom, instilling a deep sense that as we say in peer communities, recovery is not just possible, but probable; recovery is real. It may not always be easy, and it can be complicated to navigate at points, but as I learned at the Farm with the support of a community, no wound is unhealable. I am constantly reminded of how unique and special the Farm and Fellside are, and feel so grateful that it was part of my path. Now, in the same spirit of service that the staff of the Farm and Fellside had, I turn my attention and energy to see how I can give back to my fellow peers and community. 

After years of being consumed with my own suffering in mental health, what a profound joy it is to have something to give.