Jan Search, a mother from Minneapolis, shares her family’s experience as her adult son found support during his time as a guest at Gould Farm. In her testimonial, Jan offers a glimpse into the impact Gould Farm has had on her son’s life and on their family. Her story highlights the unique, supportive environment of Gould Farm and the role it played in her son’s journey.
As parents, we hold our newborn children not just in our arms, but also in our minds with visions of how they will grow and who they will become. And so it was with my son, Dillon, who with his wide easy smile and deep dimples became that charming little boy and then adolescent. He easily made close friends, was a lover of music, was creative, smart, and a talented athlete with a passion for baseball. The years passed for our family of four with life’s ups and downs, but as an older adolescent and very young adult something in Dillon was changing more than we knew.
It wasn’t until he was in his early 20s, that Dillon’s struggles intensified. At that time, he had two jobs working many hours and was attending college. It was during this period of disrupted sleep that Dillon’s thinking became confused, which led to a four-month in-patient hospitalization. They were primarily keeping him safe and attempting, unsuccessfully, to find medications to manage his symptoms. No one knew how to best meet his needs for residential treatment. The case manager at the state hospital declared that because of Dillon’s intelligence and desire to feel better, even his suggestions were unlikely to be the right fit for Dillon. I felt afraid and helpless.
Then, through my searching and a series of fortunate communications, we were introduced to Gould Farm nearly 17 years ago.
On our first visit to the Farm, Dillon’s sister, Erin, and I were filled with anxiousness and uncertainty: With sadness for her brother, Erin wisely remarked how his illness was changing her, too. But upon arrival we were greeted with warmth and compassion by the admissions director. Throughout our visit meeting the staff and guests, noticing the protective freedoms incorporated in the work program, and in the beautiful surroundings, the Gould Farm philosophy of accepting people as they are, was communicated, and it felt like a natural fit for Dillon. Erin and Dillon have always been close, and after our visit, she told me, “This is where he should be”. Her certainty solidified my decision.
Dillon’s transition to Gould Farm marked a significant turning point for our entire family beginning with the flight from Minnesota to Gould Farm. Dillon was anxious and uncertain about exactly where he was going. I was hanging onto a sense of hope that I felt on that first visit. Once we arrived, though, something shifted. Dillon seemed to recognize that this was the safe place he needed to be, which touched me when on an evening walk in the quiet darkness he said with serenity, “Just look at the stars in the sky, Mom.” I felt we both could breathe. I vividly remember, on that excruciating morning I left him, watching him walk across the road to breakfast. In that moment, I felt a sense of safety and possibility for the first time in a long while.
I made monthly visits at first, staying on the Farm in Orchard House, and spent time working alongside Dillon. Watching him take on more complex tasks gave me a sense of relief and cleared the way for my own process of accepting new ways of knowing my son. I still think about how much the Farm felt like a place where we both could exhale.
At the Farm, Dillon participated in nearly every work program and found comfort in the daily rhythm of community life. Though finding the right medication was a long and challenging process, Dr. Goodman, the psychiatrist, worked closely with him, while Nancy Martin, his clinician, kept me informed and involved. Dillon had always thrived in social environments, a loss we all had deeply mourned when he first became ill. But at the Farm, he reawakened his desire to make friends and be productive and part of a community. It was clear that this sense of belonging was a crucial part of his healing. The staff at Gould Farm worked patiently to build his trust, and eventually, he overcame fears that furthered his successes.
Over time, with persistence and support, Dillon’s mental health improved, and his stormy mind began to clear.
The holidays at Gould Farm were especially moving. I attended Thanksgiving and was touched by the generosity, kindness, and gratitude that filled the room. Everyone, regardless of their symptoms or struggles, had a place at the table, and that inclusivity and the passion by the staff gave me hope. Previously wondering if I would ever run out of tears of sadness, I now noticed they were tears of gratitude for the Farm.
When Dillon was ready to transition from the Farm, another relief came knowing the Fellside program in Boston was available and the transition counselor assured us that Dillon was ready for this next step. At Fellside, he had the support of a clinical social worker who helped him find a psychiatrist and navigate the challenges of living more independently. At gatherings, I made meaningful connections with other families, some of which remain today. Erin and Dillon’s dad, Tom, were involved in family meetings, and Dave, Dillon’s stepdad, and Erin even traveled with Dillon’s then 2-year-old nephew, Hank, for a Friends and Family Weekend. Though it wasn’t a straight path, as recovery often is not, we all felt confident that the family inclusion, support structure and caring, and informed staff would guide him through it, and of course, they did!
Today, Dillon is thriving as a Gould Farm alumni. He works as a peer specialist, plays on two baseball teams, volunteers as a big brother to a young man with autism, is active in a spiritual community, and lives independently with friends he met through Fellside. He continues to stay connected to the Fellside chorus, community meetings, holiday celebrations and with intentional preparation, even traveled solo to London to visit a friend.
Gould Farm remains a vital part of our lives. I consider the Farm and Fellside to be part of our extended family.
Attending Fellside coffee house events and participating in the 5K fundraiser at the Farm have become cherished shared experiences for us. Being at the Farm feels like a retreat, a place where we can be surrounded by care and compassion. Through this journey I’ve learned that recovery is a long road, but thanks to Gould Farm we all have a new way of holding Dillon in our minds, are feeling hope and support, and for that we are eternally grateful.
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